I have watched several friends undergo dramatic weight-loss transformations and lifestyle changes and have been amazed and inspired, as well as overwhelmed and left feeling defeated. It has always just felt. I.M.P.O.S.S.I.B.L.E.
Back during the winter months I did a post about weight loss and getting serious. I ended up losing around 9 lbs. and then...well, went back to my old ways...gaining the 9 lbs. back and the low-confidence that got me where I am.
In the few months since then I have made a few self-discoveries. YES. I am addicted to food. I REALLY, REALLY like food. Sometimes I eat something that doesn't even taste that incredible but keep eating it anyway. Sometimes I eat something that DOES taste incredible and can't seem to put it down. I just want "ONE MORE BITE."
I have tried to identify WHY am I eating? WHY can't I let one or two bites be good enough? WHY must I go back to the jar of chocolate chips repeatedly throughout the day, "sneaking" a handful into my mouth while no one is watching and then walk away feeling "better?"
Do I really use food to cope with stress, sadness, anger? To celebrate when I am happy or with success? I never used to think that I used food for comfort, but maybe I do? I certainly have no willpower when something I like is placed in front of me. Usually I have less of a problem eating at home because I don't buy soda, sweets, chips etc. I won't buy the foods that trigger me to return to them over and over again throughout the day. BUT when I am at a potluck or a party...or a buffet...FORGET IT. Willpower out the window. I can walk in with the best intentions and then let it fly, just like the calories I inhale.
I think I sit down at night with something "good" because it's like a personal reward of a day well done. I have used it as a wind-down at the end of the day. When the kids are in bed and things are quiet it's the time I give to myself. I need to change that. I need to give myself time to exercise and to reward myself in other ways than with food.
I think part of the reason why I feel angry a lot is because I am angry with myself.
BUT...
It seems that there is never time for ME. I am mother, wife. I fulfill all needs within our home. Everyone else and everything else comes first. And I am exhausted. How do I go to bed earlier at night so I can wake up before the sun rises, when all is still, to work my hind end off? It seems that there are not enough hours in the day to accomplish all that needs to be done unless I stay up until the wee hours of the morning!! The last time I worked out at 4:30 a.m. consistently for a month I made myself sick repeatedly for two months.
I have to figure it out. I have to learn to let some things go...
So, I am on a journey. A QUEST really, to figure out WHY and HOW and to BUILD THE POWER within myself to tell myself "NO!" I want to live the Word of Wisdom (Doctrine and Covenants 89) and fill my body with good things...I want to FEEL and LOOK strong. My goal is not to be thin, but to be strong and feel good.
I want to go on a trip to Hawaii (maybe in the works for our 10th anniversary) and take a million pictures and not have to delete any because I look awesome, not embarrassing! I want to run down a beach in a bathing suit with my husband and feel completely free.
I had to write it down...get it out there. I NEED accountability. If anyone else wants to join me in this quest, to join me in recording your weekly BODY MAKE-OVER please leave a comment!!! If you are serious about it and want weekly accountability and support, like I do, I will create a separate private blog. I know it is possible and I need inspiration!!!
I am putting it out there...my goal is to lose 65 lbs. total. I think a healthy weight for my body type, height and age is 134 lbs. Yup 134, not 135, 134...I don't know it just feels good, to be under 135! What a dream that would be. The last time I weighed that I think I was like a freshman in high school and thought I was fat!
Well, here are the stats. Like I said, I am putting it out there. I don't care anymore, no more hiding what it is...
May 2012: 196 lbs.
June 2012: 192 lbs.
July 17th: 189
July 23: 188.8
August 3: 186.4 (down 9.6 lbs)
Considering posting my BEFORE pictures and pictures of progress...not sure if I am that brave...
